Psychotherapy & Counseling
Karyn Lynn Morton
The Better Seven
Love Languages
In 1990, Gary Chapman wrote a book entitled "The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate." It and the concept became wildly popular, and explained the different ways people give and express love in a relationship. Yet, after living some life, counseling couples, and talking to single people, I have discovered that the expression of love is a bit more complex. These concepts, while valuable in many instances, are often confused and manipulated. They only serve as a label in many instances, and don't fully describe how an individual will relate emotionally, intellectually, physically, socially, and philanthropically to another person in a way that builds and maintains connection, communication, commitment, and consistency. In my work, I have found that the current model is antiquated, and so I share with you my
"The Better Seven Love Languages"
Intimacy
Intimacy is the act of cultivating a safe and sacred physical and emotional connection in your relationship. It is characterized by physical affection, gentle touch, focused attention, emotion (see below) and closeness. It is sustained through consistency to the agreed upon confines and boundaries you set in your relationship.
Engagement
Engagement is the act of building a social connection to your partner.
It is honed through spending quality time, sharing responsibility, being present, and showing interest in your partner's interests.
Affirmation
Affirmation is assuring your partner they are loved and cared for.
It is characterized by the communication of love, respect, and appreciation; the act of being kind, compassionate, and understanding. Understanding is typically gained through engagement (to get to know your partner) and strengthen by sapience (using one's intellect/wisdom to use the information you gain in a way that benefits the strength of your relationships bonds).
Sapience
Sapience is the attraction and appreciation to your partner's wisdom, intellect, creativity, etc. It is characterized by a deep desire to experience your partner express his/her intelligence. It is characterized by learning & experiencing new things with your partner.
Benevolence
Benevolence is experienced through thoughtfulness, generosity, consideration, and the sharing of resources. It is both the reception of thoughtful gifts, and the acceptance of tools and resources for growth that your partner is able to bestow upon you. It is not ONLY about receiving tangible things.
Service
Service is about providing servant leadership, which means accepting that your role as the leader is about helping those you lead become better and have the support they need to succeed, being involved, and helping with practical duties. It is not about servitude but about being a leader or helpmate, whether you determine that by gender roles or it is situational , to help ensure your partner is operating at their fullest capacity.
Emotion
Emotion is likely the most widely misunderstood love language on this list. It is not just about "how you feel"... it is a deeper and more complex concept. The requisite emotional intelligence, awareness, and regulation needed to have a healthy relationship is based upon he ability to express, share, and navigate emotions; vulnerability; navigating the complexity of relationships; and sensitivity to emotional signals. When a couple is able to not only openly allow emotional expression but also interpret their partner's emotional needs, the other love languages will be easier to effectuate.
For more information, community education, seminars on love language, etc. please contact me below.